Tag: grace

Romans 8:18

Relationships have always been fascinating to me. There are so many ways to form connections between two people: friendships, siblings, parents, co-workers, exes, teachers, and family. Each connection is special in its own way; no connection is the same. A bond, unique to two people, a special secret, unable to be recreated no matter the effort.

When broken down ever further, you’re able to find specks of each individual within the relationship. The most vulnerable, deepest parts hidden in the beauty of forming a connection with another human being. Relationships are craved, wished for, and desired. From the beginning of time, God emphasized the importance of having relationships when he created Eve for Adam – or even when he instructed Noah to put two of each species on the Arc. It is human nature to seek a connection in someone else, no matter what connection is formed.

With this being said, relationships hold many opportunities for lessons to arise, which usually begin with questions: How do I express myself in this relationship? What can I do to deepen this connection with said person? Is there a specific way in which I show love? This list could go on and on. While I’ve experienced different types of relationships and connections within my life, there’s one major lesson that has struck me the deepest – and was the hardest to learn. 

I know that I’ve mentioned in some of my previous writings a high-school relationship that wasn’t the greatest; and now, instead of looking back on it negatively, I find it humorously positive. To give y’all a little background knowledge concerning this boy, let’s just say that my time spent with him was not the healthiest. At the moment, the relationship seemed like a completely normal high-school relationship, yet once we had broken up, I realized what it truly was: toxic.

We had started dating in the spring of 8th grade and I had no idea what a relationship was supposed to look like. Sure, I had ideas due to my obsession with Romance movies and books, yet I knew that a middle-school boy was far from capable of Matthew McConaughey in How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Our relationship started out pretty normal, in typical middle-school fashion. Yet, it was when high-school started when things began to go downhill. 

Freshman year is hard enough as it is. Lots of adjusting socially, academically, and for me, athletically. I was really looking forward to the beginning of high-school as it was full of plenty of new opportunities. There were new classes to be taken, new freedoms and responsibilities to take on, new coaches to play for, and new clubs and councils to help run. I was over the moon, yet as the year went on I found myself growing more and more insecure. Now, I know it’s normal for a teenage girl to be insecure but this was a newfound level of insecurity that I was experiencing. I had no idea of how to fix it or what was causing it, but as I looked towards sophomore year, I figured I would have it all solved by the time school started again in August. With a summer of camp and time to grow ahead of me, it would all work itself out.

Boy was I wrong. Sophomore year progressed and it only got worse. It was so bad, that I had friends constantly asking me if I was ok…multiple times throughout the day. I had no sense of identity. Eventually, I figured out it was due to this boy. He was constantly saying and doing things to make me feel like I wasn’t important or good enough, yet would say things emphasizing how much his mental health and well-being relied on me. I let him dictate pretty much everything, letting him wrap me up in all of his own issues and insecurities. By being swept up in such a toxic environment, I had lost a sense of identity, especially within my own relationship. 

Trying to prove myself to him, but most importantly myself, I was overworking myself, my mind constantly full of doubts: in the classroom, on the athletic field, and even in my own bedroom, a space where I should have found solace. When COVID lockdown hit I was able to take a break from everything and self-isolate. I’m so thankful for the fact that I was able to quarantine with my family on our ranch in Carrizo Springs, TX, where I spent a majority of my childhood. Being back down in the south, among the dirt, wild flowers, and family, I was reminded of who I was and where I came from. 

I went through that summer slowly gaining a sense of identity back. Having spent my final year as a camper at Camp Longhorn, I headed into August really looking forward to my junior year – I was finally taking my favorite class at Saint Mary’s Hall (AP English Language), getting back to full strength on the soccer field, and was in the works of launching the blog. Yet that all came to a screeching halt the day before class officially started. He broke up with me and offered no real explanation as to why. How did I take it? Amazing. Truth be told, I had wanted to break up with him throughout the summer, yet was terrified due to the fact that his mental health relied so heavily on our relationship. I had no idea what he was going to do to himself if I had broken up with him. After he had left my house, I spent exactly 15 minutes crying over him, then went back to watching my episode of Criminal Minds that he had interrupted when he knocked on my door (the men of the BAU are far more superior). 

I spent a lot of time healing following the break-up. My junior and senior year was spent finding my voice, and most importantly, figuring out my identity that I had lost in him (I’ll save this story for another post since it’s kind of long). I ended up doing a complete 180 when it came to my college application process, but I chalk that up to growth (another story for another post). As my senior year progressed, so did my confidence. I was able to find my personal style and an edge to help get me through the more difficult battles of life. My love of writing was reignited, so much so that I published one of my pieces in my school’s literary magazine. I had a new breath of life and was ready to take on college life. 

Now, why did I spend the past 7 paragraphs rambling about a toxic, high-school relationship? Because it made me realize the importance of maintaining prioritizing your sense of identity in a relationship. You should never lose sight of who you are in-order to impress anybody, especially if it’s to save a relationship from ending. God puts people in our lives for specific reasons, and you will find people who you shouldn’t have to compromise yourself for. Be confident in who you are and what you stand for; and don’t let anyone else dictate the rules of your own life. 

For all those reading who are younger or feel like they’re going through a similar situation, I’d like to end this post off with a letter I wish I could send to my 9th grade self:

“The pain you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.”

Romans 8:18

Precious Grace

I absolutely adore this quote. Maybe it’s because it regards one of my favorite topics, grace, but I think it’s because it accurately captures grace in action.

When faced with times of great pain or grief, it is easy to throw in the towel, surrendering all respect and rationale. Yet, when one is courageous enough to face this adversity, grace needs to be present.

Instead of giving in and letting adversity consume you, stand up and greet it head on. When doing so, don’t be afraid to maintain your manner and poise. Yes, overcoming a trouble feels really good, but when accomplished with your own style and charm? Now that feels euphoric.

Never be afraid to hold onto who you are. Everyone is unique in their own way, bringing different qualities to the table of life. If one person choses to forgo their own personality, copying another in-order to fit-in or overcome a problem, the world looses it’s variability. Stay true to who you are. Never shy away from your grace.

Hot Water

This quote has really spoken to me recently. I’ve had some people who were unkind to me in the past (who I distanced myself from as I don’t tolerate constant unkind and manipulative behavior) try to get the best of me, behaving in rude ways. Honestly…it hasn’t been easy.

As I’ve said before, I was raised on a “it doesn’t cost a penny to be kind” childhood. No matter who or what has happened, kindness should always be your first response. Easier said than done. I like to think I’ve done a pretty good job of doing so, but sometimes one just feels the need for the upper hand. Yet, that always isn’t the best road.

As my mother has taught me, you should never give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Don’t give them the power to control and influence your emotions and mindset. YOU are the only person who should have a say in how you feel and how you act. Sure, there will be some outside factors in one’s emotions, but never let anyone tell you how to feel.

Kindness isn’t always the first emotion when it comes to rudeness or someone being a jerk, but if worked towards, can become an automatic response. It’s like muscle memory…just emotional. It’s hard, but in the end it feels exhilarating.

From my personal experience, not letting someone get to you feels powering and confident. Powering as I have control over my reactions, that someone feels the need to mess with me as they can’t stand my own happiness. Confident because I know who I am and what I stand for. Their attempt at my own unhappiness just reinforces that.

When stuck in hot water, don’t be an ice cube and just fall apart. Instead, be a tea bag; slowly diffusing your own goodness to the situation until the mixture itself is wonderful and warm.